post-break up

by ann

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Everyone is concerned. When you have a breakup, there are a lot of questions. “How are you?” “Are you feeling okay?” “Tell me what happened.” It’s sweet and well-intentioned and you say “I’m fine!” You smile and say that things didn’t work out. Your mind grasps at the clichés that people say in movies during these situations. What are you supposed to say again?

No one is fine post-break up. No one can explain the mess that it is. A relationship does not die without a single emotion entertained. It’s an aching heart, ghosts of memories and many, many what ifs. What if we just kept pushing through? What if we never said such hurtful things to each other? What if I never knew the things I know now?

The days are busy and full but I will walk the dog and my mind whispers to me what if. I’m thrown back into that tortuous path of re-evaluating what went wrong, who was more wrong, and what wrong could have been righted.

But it was perfect.

It was two high schoolers who loved each other with as much love as they could. Who supported each other through college and graduate school. It was catching rides with strangers to see the other. It was mailing sweet love letters. It was listening during tough times. It was laughing with heads thrown back. It was sweet and awkward and confusing like a first love should be.

And, despite the fact that we are over, I know I was blessed to have spent eight years with such a good, kind-hearted man.

So I am not blissed out in a relationship but I’m working on being okay. Which is okay! No worries, ya’ll. Really and truly. Thank you for your love and support.

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