a passable snack

by ann


I have a problem in the form of a cheese block. My mom, as moms do, lives in perpetual fear that I’m not eating enough. So, every time I see her, I return home with a navy blue cooler that teeters the 50 pound weight limit for check in items. 3 out of 4 times it goes over and I’m left with a bag of kumquats to stuff into my already burgeoning carry on. In addition to frozen fish and pounds of shrimp, my mom views these moments as opportunities to give me things that she would never eat but has been given to her as gifts. Which brings me to the cheese.

If it was a wheel of brie, my complaints would not have been so high. But this monstrosity is a rectangular mass of very processed, bland cheddar cheese. I know I should throw it away. It’s barely palatable. However, I made it into nacho cheese sauce and found that with the addition of hot sauce and green olives and paired with lime tortilla chips, it’s a passable snack.

This is doing nothing for my diet.

Tomorrow I shall throw the cheese away. I will attempt to pawn this cheese off to the homeless man that lingers near Chipotle and will offer to also throw in a loaf of bread but if even he rejects it, I will know that this cheese was just not meant to be consumed.