i control me

by ann

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I haven’t been writing because I’ve been afraid. I want to come here and tell you my truths so that by some happenstance a kindred spirit will stumble upon my words. But to state how I feel and voice my insecurities and struggles… My fingers tremble because I know how cruel people can be. I’ve been cruel too in life. Using a quick tongue and sharp wit to prevent becoming a target.

But negativity is suffocating. It seeps into your life slowly, unknowningly, as it lays cold fingers on your shoulders and forces you to submit. You feed on the bitterness and jealousy. I am terrified as I watch people I know and care about live in this bubble of judgment and distrust. They can’t see the world outside of themselves. And I fear this.

It seems silly to believe I’ll find so much strength in writing about my journey through dieting, my thoughts on dental school and whatever else flits through my mind. Still, sometimes I will lie awake at night, heart aching, because I crave writing in this space. And I wonder, really, who is stopping me? And I just navel gaze because deep down I know it’s just me. I can point fingers but I control me.

I am scared to track my journey because I have failed so often, I stumble so much, that to put myself out there seems ridiculous. But I’m going to do it because sometimes I wonder how did people get where they are? Where is the struggle? I want the process. So I’m throwing myself out there for the wolves…and the kindred spirits. Please find me.

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